The "Answer man" emails
|Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001
Every once in a while the Answer Man comes out of retirement to lend a helping hand to damsels in distress.
Q. Dear Answer Man, I keep reading about this stuff called "Chintz." What in the world is it? Love, Puzzled.
A. Well, Puzzled, where I came from it meant "cheap stuff," as in "Boy, that dress looks Chintzy."
Q. I do a lot of portraits and I wonder if Desitin would help me?
A. Of course, especially if you do a lot of children's portraits. It's really good for painting babies' bottoms.
Q. I read on "the list" something about Nymphenburg. Where is that?
A. I consulted my geography data base to discover that it's across the pond. Furthermore, it's where a lot of the nymphomaniacs hang out -- except for those who escaped to the US but I've not had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of any. I regret that!
Q. Hey, Answer Man, my gold has simply dried up. What's the answer to that?
A. I know just how you feel. I just got the statement on my portfolio today from Merrill Lynch and my gold has dried up, too.
Q. Someone mentioned a web site for cabbage roses. Where is that?
A. I could tell you but it wouldn't do you any good. Cabbage Roses are gone for this season.
The Answer Man
|Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001
Dear Answer Man:
Q. I read a post by VY some time ago and she made reference to the "demon chairman." Do you know what she had in mind?
A. Devil if I know.
Q. It is so encouraging to know that everyone is saying that their painting improved so much after 20 or 30 years. Isn't that wonderful?
A. Absolutely, I took up china painting two years ago when I was 92. Why, in the year 2029 A.D. ("after death") I will be truly able to admire my work. It gives me something to look forward to and I can hardly wait to see my friend's, AC, expression when she sees my work then.
Q. What do you think should be done with those good folk who still insist in typing in BIG CAPITALS in spite of the fact it is common knowledge that it is BAD NETIQUETTE and VERY HARD for many of us to read?
A. We could try deCAPitation.
Q. I'm not from the United States and wonder what it meant when someone said that that Elderberry syrup was "out of this world?" What does this mean?
A. I think it means, "unearthly."
Q. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not. I'm a lovely lady and my teacher just happens to be a hunk of a man. He was telling me (up close) about "One hot fire." I told him I was married but he still insisted, "the best approach is to love'm and leave'm." I'm so confused. From... Pretty Thing
A. Oh, Pretty Thing, don't be off-putted. He was obviously talking about the One Fire Method of China Painting. Surely he meant that the magic in that relationship is not over-intimacy but simply to lay down (the strong load of paint), love it just enough (smooth just a bit) and leave it (alone). See, Perhaps your expectations are too high.
Q. Please tell me about good composition. From ... Seemore
A. Composition is simply what works to make it pleasing to most eyes. It give three opportunities. The good artists discover composition by trial and error and apply it to their work. The good teachers are able to describe composition and teach it as if there were laws governing same. The good opportunists categorize it, give it fancy names like "Golden Mean," make it rather obtuse and then sell this knowledge for money. As my sister used to say, "TNT" which means "Taint Nothing To it."
Q. So much of the information seems to be centered about female things -- like recipes and housekeeping and such. They all seem to be of the distaff. Why can't we have questions for the staff people, like, "How Do You Tune A Car?"
A. I know exactly what you mean. I personally use a Tuning Fork.
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001
|Sent: Thursday, December 20, 2001
Q. Answer Man, I spilt LBG Gold on my skirt. How can I
Q. Answer Man, I belong to so many lists, how can I tell
if I'm in the wrong one here?
1. If you believe you are the driver of this bus when
you're really along just for the ride.
On the other hand, you can tell it's the right place if:
1. You think the free sample is so great you want to buy
the whole enchilada for only about $32 per year.
Sorry, other correspondents. There's not enough room for
more. 'Til next
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001
Q. Answer Man, I bought this new fangled banding wheel
and don't know what to do with it. Can you help?
Subject: OT and other Prophecy
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002
The Answer Man's Column . . .
Q. Answer Man, I have heard that men's underwear is really good to use as rags. What'da you think?
A. I think it's dangerous. My wife grabbed a pair of my underwear the other day to wipe up a spill. They worked great. Unfortunately, I was still in them.
Q. Can you really fire Corelle hot?
A. Certainly, I have a Corelle plate that is presently being used as a picture frame of sorts. I absentmindedly put it in the kiln with some other stuff and fired at 015. It slid right over the shelf and congealed into a marvelous shape. I call it my Salvador Corelli. If you use your imagination you can create a marvelous fruitbowl.
Q. I'll give you a penny for your thoughts.
A. No, if I did that I'd lose money. I always put in my 2 cents worth. If I get only a penny for them, I'm losing 50% on every cranial explosion.
Q. Can you suggest a good box for gifts?
A. I certainly do not suggest Whitman Chocolate Candy boxes. I did that last Christmas. I bought a carload of those to use as gift boxes. I felt obligated to eat the candy -- all 1142 pieces. I do not recommend that.
Q. What do you think about those roll-up brush holders.
A. I think they're just sew-sew.
Q. Some folk use Transmission fluid to clean their brushes. Do you think that's the best?
A. Well, don't know if it's the best or not but if you do buy it, get the automatic kind rather than manual. Why not let it do all the work?
Q. Have you ever painted a portrait of a Playboy Bunny?
A. I've sort of stayed away from those. Just like every warm-blooded American boy, I grew up looking at the center spread of somebody else's Playboy magazine. I was married before I realized that all women to not have staples in their navels. I just don't know what else I'll find if I mess around with Bunny Portraits. They may be ok for the short hop but I don't think for the long run.
Thanks for writing to the Answer Man.
Until Next time . . . . . . .
Subject: The Answer Man
The Answer Man
Q. Hey, Answer Man. I've been told that if you have a little fresh red paint on a shard or so of china when you paint your LBG, it will make it lighter and brighter. What do you think?
A. Absolutely. The proof is in the pudding (if that's the kind of dish you put the gold on). I think it's because color likes harmony. That FACT is right up there with banging on a new tree every day with a rolled up newspaper for the first year. It helps the tree to wake up and grow. However, be warned that some folk think the tree gets used it and will have to have it done unto the rest of its life and don't let the dog see you with that rolled up newspaper. It is also a fact that if you keep your Guitar on a stand in a room and leave the radio on for it, it will certainly play better than without this loving treatment. It has to do with sympathetic vibrations. It is also a fact that my wife seems to sleep better in a room with gold in it. Don't have any rational explanation for this but it seems to be a fact. She's looking over my shoulder here and says diamonds do the same thing. However, she is unaware that you cannot put diamonds in a kiln without fearsome results. Those kind are called "hot" diamonds. My uncle had some of those.
Q. Answer Man, what's your take on lead in paint.
A. Well, I was never able to get the lead out of my pants but I so believe that I've been able to do it with my paints. I liken lead to something like beer in the frying pan. If you cook it hot enough it just kind of evaporates leaving you just enough to talk about. Just stay away from acids. You got no business eat'n that stuff anyway. The same thing is true about lead paint inhouses before 1976. To prove a point, my uncle warmed his entire house to 3000 degrees and no one could find any lead anywhere. He was the same uncle who drank a glass of milk one morning and was later arrested for speeding. It was the hardest thing to get my kids back on milk after that.
Q. Dear Answer Man. How in the world do you know all this?
A. Actually, my knowledge base is not of this world at all. My dear wife says that I'm totally unearthly -- and I don't think she necessarily means heavenly. But I would hasten to point out that in every culture and every art the oral tradition is most important. If any time you do not know something you can say, "They Say..." Who in the world can dispute that? Have you ever thought that the "They" may be little people from afar? My uncle died and we think that he might have been abducted because of the milky way. He really loved milk. My Dad poo pooed the whole thing as udder nonsense but it's hard to break the hold of the oral tradition.
Thanks for writing the Answer Man.
Dear Answer Man . . .
Q. I hear so much about the Golden Mean. Please tell me about it. Suzy
A. Dear Suzy, it's another of those injustices of society. Those who have the Gold are usually Mean. This is almost like the Golden Rule in which those who have the Gold, Rule. My advice is to simply stay away from those who have Gold. It's just too easy to be rubbed the wrong way.
Q. Maybe somebody else asked you about this. My memory is not what it used to be. Sophia (I think).
A. Dear Sophia, just what was it you wanted to ask me.
Q. Sometimes I just get the urge to type in all caps. How can I do that without getting fussed at? Rebel Jane.
A. Well, Rebel, it's really simple. You first say, "I Know I'm Shouting BUT..." Then you can type as BIG as please. It's just like all that MIME or HTML stuff. If you've bought a computer, hooked up your modem, joined the list, and all that complicated stuff -- how in the world can anyone expect you to know how to go into the settings and put a little check mark by "Plain Text." Just let people know that sometimes, they just want too much.
Q. There's this lady who signs herself "Guitar Painter." Have you any idea why she does this? Bean.
A. Dear Bean, I don't have the slightest idea, but my mind runs wild. I certainly cannot imagine that is because she wears a "G" string when she paints. Perhaps it is because she's high strung. But for my money, I think it's because she is really very beautiful and when she dons a diaphanous doily and dances with her fan brush, her lovely silhouette reminds her bow of .... you know what.
Q. Goodness Graciousness, Answer Man, I did some enamel work on bisque and it ran. What can I do? Pokey
A. Dear Pokey, if you were named for the reason that I think, you may be out of luck. When bisque runs it is a most difficult problem.
Sometimes it's just no telling where it will end up. Some enamellists spend their entire lives trying to put a stop to running bisque. Good Luck.
Q. You are so intelligent, Answer Man. Tell me, I want to paint some clouds with silver linings. What kind of brush should I use to put the silver on the linings? D. Reamer
A. Dear D. I would suggest a home-made brush. Some of these tools work absolutely wonderfully. First you go to the ocean and cut yourself just a little piece of shore line. You fuzz up the end and use it to daub the linings. Please be sure to let me know how this comes out.
Until another time.